Understanding the Emotions Behind Nursery Drop-Offs

I’ve been helping out at a local nursery for a few months now and there is one little chap that seems to be finding it very hard to settle.

Or is he???

He is just under two years old, and he comes to nursery for the afternoon session three times a week. He cries bitterly, desperately pointing back at the car in the hope that mum will relent and take him home.

As I've been watching I've noticed a few things:

#1) Mum is very patient and does a superb job in co-regulating her boy, helping him navigate this challenge.

#2) The nursery staff smile and encourage, but let mum decide when it's time to hand him over.

#3) The children carry on playing through all the screaming and crying with only the odd curious child going up to watch the proceedings.

#4) Within 20 minutes of mum leaving he is happily playing with the others with absolutely no sign of distress.

#5) When he sees mum at home time he bursts out crying again. The staff do send mum photos throughout the afternoon, so she knows he has not been crying the whole time.

This might be something you have experienced or are experiencing right now so I'd like to unpick this and delve a little deeper to help you see what is going on here.

I will now look at each point above, individually:

#1) This little chap is still very young and does not always understand what he is feeling or why. My guess is he has been playing happily with mum all morning and does not really want to stop. He doesn't yet know the days of the week, but he does know that some days he plays happily at home with mum all day long. His limited understanding of time can make transitions confusing. Imagine happily playing at home, only to be whisked away when you may not be ready to stop playing. No wonder it's confusing and overwhelming!

Mum could help the situation by having a daily visual timetable for him. Every morning they update the timetable together with what is going to happen that day, with mum discussing each picture before they put it on the board. This will prepare him for the fact that he will be going to nursery later. Simple pictures, that are always used for the same event, help the child understand what is coming up, i.e. a picture of a school for nursery days, a park for outside play, car for an outing, etc.

As this little guy is still learning to manage his emotions, mum is doing a splendid job of co-regulating with him. By her being calm, patient and empathetic he learns that there is nothing to fear, and it helps him to calm down. She de-escalates his big emotions to a manageable level. She also spoke about what he was feeling and then reassured him that he would be happily playing with all his friends very soon. She never told him to stop crying or that he was being silly. She simply comforted and reassured him. By acknowledging his very true emotions she was teaching him that whatever he was feeling was true and valid, fostering good mental health.

#2) The nursery staff knew this child and knew the best way to handle the situation. They did not push the child or the mother. They let mum work her magic but were close by, welcoming and encouraging him to come and play with his friends or with a new activity they had out. They truly understood that each child is unique and tailored their approach to best suit him.

Once mum handed him over, a staff member stayed with him until he was ready to go off on his own. Together they put his things away and then go into the reading corner to choose a book. All the while he is still crying but it is subsiding rapidly. They give him the chance to self-soothe the last little bit after mum's co-regulation, which allows him to master the skill of self-regulation which is vital throughout life.

#3) Children this age don't judge. Most were happily engaged in their own activities and only glanced up briefly to see what the commotion was about. The few who did go forward to watch soon settle down to listen to the story. So maybe they just did not want to miss out on an extra story time. However, this was a learning moment for them too. By watching how the teacher and child interact, they are learning empathy and socially acceptable behaviour through this exchange—a lesson just as crucial as ABCs and 123s! If the teacher had shouted at the child to be quiet, that is what the others would have learnt. Not empathy. It is vital that the adults around children are aware that they are always teaching through their actions as well as their words. Always aim to be a good role model. You never know who is learning what by watching you!

#4) This was not him being difficult or defiant. It took him 20 minutes to regulate himself and have these big emotions under control. Once they were under control he was able to go out and play with his friends and engage with the environment. His crying does not necessarily mean he doesn't want to be at nursery. It just means there are big emotions attached to leaving mum, commonly referred to as separation anxiety. Once he got his head around the fact that she would be gone for a little bit, he was happy to be fully present and enjoy his time at nursery.

#5) This is pure and simple relief and joy, not manipulation. Mum has come back! He has survived their time apart. He is overwhelmed at seeing her again. They are happy tears. He is not crying to try and make mum feel guilty. He is crying because of the big emotions he is feeling, very true and real emotions.

Next time you take your little one somewhere they have been many times before and they start crying, just stop and think. Are they genuinely unhappy? Are they safe and well looked after? Are they afraid? Or are they simply dealing with big emotions?

By putting it all in perspective it allows you to see what is truly going on and this allows you to deal with the situation in the most appropriate way.