Temper Tantrums

I am sitting at my desk in my office with the window slightly open and I have just been given the perfect demonstration of a temper tantrum by our neighbour's 2 and a bit year old daughter!

I couldn't have timed it better if I had planned it.

Let me describe what has just happened.

It is 15:28 and Mum and daughter have just come out the house. Mum says "We need to hurry and fetch your brother from school." The little girl is distracted by a very, very friendly neighbourhood cat and starts wandering off to stroke her friend. Mum grabs her to direct her to the car. Daughter screams blue murder as she wants to stroke the cat. Mum shouts back "Get in the car right now!". Daughter screams louder, Mum scoops her up and unceremoniously dumps her in her car seat, straps her in and slams the door. I hear the little girl still screaming as Mum races down the road, trying to get to school on time.

Sound familiar at all?

There is a lot going on in this situation that has caused and escalated the tantrum.

Let's look at what was going on.

1) The first mistake Mum made is to leave the departure so late. Now, I don't know why they left so late. Perhaps it was unavoidable today. But children need time. Everything is still new and exciting to them and it is not at all unusual for them to be distracted by something along the way. This curiosity has been instilled in them to help them learn and master the world they live in. Without this mastery they cannot become fully functioning members of society. So, we should always let them learn. This means allowing plenty of time to get to your destination, especially if you are walking somewhere.

2) This little girl has no concept of time and does not understand the consequences of being late for her brother. She saw the friendly cat (and he is indeed super friendly and very lovable) that she has always been allowed to stroke before and she naturally gravitated towards him. I do too. How was she to know that today was not the same as every other day? Again this could have easily been avoided if Mum had left enough time for a quick stroke, enough time to do things at a pace that works for her and her developing brain.

3) Twice Mum grabbed her daughter - not roughly or meanly - but the little girl was clearly surprised both times. She probably caught a bit of a fright being scooped up unexpectedly. Being physically manipulated just caused her to scream more as she was being prevented from doing what she wanted, but also because she was startled.

It is now 15:54 and they have just arrived home and I'm happy to say she is no longer screaming :)

I need everyone to understand that Mum is a lovely lady who loves her children very much. This was just a very typical temper tantrum.

Temper Tantrums can happen for many different reasons.

Often the main cause of a temper tantrum is being prevented from doing what they want and not been given enough time to satisfy an inner need, like exploring their world.

But sometimes you can give them ages and a tantrum is still the result.

One of my twins had a melt down in the middle of the supermarket when we asked her to choose a book. We waited for about half an hour for her to make up her mind. Her sister had chosen her book and was sitting in the trolley 'reading' her book while we waited and waited and waited. Eventually we said she had to choose a book now as we had to get on with the shopping. We counted down for her thereby giving her ample warning; and she just lost it, right there in the middle of the supermarket, legs kicking, hands punching and super loud screaming! I waited a month before going back to that particular supermarket :)

What had happened here? She had been given plenty of time, she was about to get something nice, she was given plenty of choice..... Bingo! That is what caused her tantrum. Choice! There were too many books for her to make her mind up. She wanted many of the books but knew she was only allowed one and she just couldn't decide. When we counted down, the pressure to make a decision mounted and she erupted in a spectacular way!

In hindsight, we could have avoided this situation had we given her only 3 choices. It would of made it that much easier for her to choose as all the other possibilities were not an option. She was too little to be given that much responsibility. She just couldn't cope with it.

It is also important to note that temper tantrums are not age specific. Yes, we traditionally think of the terrible two's when we think of temper tantrums but I have seen much younger babies throw a full on strop when they do not get their way and I've seen older children get very aggressive and angry too. I've even seen grown adults loose their cool!

The first thing to understand is that a temper tantrum is just your child feeling some big emotions that they do not know how to process or express. They may not have the words to express what they are feeling or they may not yet fully understand it. They just have this huge welling of emotion that they need to release. Unfortunately this release often takes the form of a temper tantrum with legs kicking, hands punching, loud screaming and sometimes tears of frustration.

What is the best way to deal with these horrible episodes?

There are lots of opinions out there and you need to do what you are comfortable with and what works for your child. As every child is different and responds differently to different approaches, you might need to try a few to find the best fit.

The most important thing is to remain calm. If you do not, you run the risk of escalating the situation. Don't try and shout over them, threaten them or reason with them. They are not in a position to respond right now and you will just add to their already big emotions by making them angrier.

I have found over the 20 odd years in Early Years Education (and with my own two) that the best approach is to stay calm, stay near to ensure they are safe, but not to engage in any way. Don't try and talk, don't make eye contact, don't touch them (unless they are about to hurt themselves) and don't react in any way. Most definitely do not laugh or belittle! What they are feeling is very real and therefore valid.

Only once they have calmed down completely and you've had a hug can you bring up what has happened. This might be an hour later. Don't point fingers, don't tell what they did wrong, don't tell them you are disappointed in them. Just acknowledge the big emotion they were feeling and explain or demonstrate an appropriate way for them to handle this huge emotion. Tell them it is never, ever acceptable to hurt someone when they have these feelings. You can decide what is an acceptable outlet for your child, eg punching a pillow, screaming at the wall or big angry scribbling on big paper. You decide what you are happy with and let your child know, maybe even demonstrate it for them.

The most important thing here is that your child knows you love them even after a temper tantrum. You can make it clear that you do not like the behaviour but you still love the child.

There are many books out there that can help children understand emotions and how to handle them. Just find age appropriate books and read them regularly to your child - when they are calm. Have a discussion about what is going on in the story. Let them use this time to talk to you (older child). For the younger children, try and identify emotions in other stories too so that they understand these emotions can appear in all sorts of situations, not just in the one described in the emotion book.

Temper tantrums are embarrassing, distressing and awful to witness as a parent. Try to remember that it is not a reflection on you, your parenting or your child. It is just a step in your child's journey of learning.