Gentle Child Sleep Consultancy &
Early Years Family Life Coach
Sibling Jealousy: Why It Happens and How to Handle It
Handling Sibling Jealousy with Confidence & Care
If you've ever heard the phrase "That's not fair!" echo through your home, you're not alone. If you’ve ever found yourself refereeing yet another squabble between your children, you’re not alone. If you’ve ever found yourself breaking up yet another argument over who got the bigger slice of cake or who had more time with the iPad, again you’re not alone.
Sibling jealousy is a normal part of family life, but it can feel overwhelming at times, and it can be tough to navigate as a parent.
The good news?
Understanding why it happens and knowing a few simple strategies can make a big difference in how you support your children through it.
So, let’s talk about why it happens, how to prevent it, and what to do when it does.
Why Does Sibling Jealousy Happen?
Jealousy between siblings often stems from a child’s fear of losing your attention or feeling like they’re not as special as their sibling. This deep need for love, attention, and validation can cause your child to act out.
Children are naturally wired to seek connection with their parents, and when they feel that connection is threatened - whether by a new baby, a sibling’s achievements, or even who gets to sit in the coveted front seat - they react.
When a new baby arrives, an older child may feel like they’ve lost their special place. As children grow, they may compare privileges, achievements, or even the amount of time they get with you. Their feelings are real, even if they don’t always express them in the best ways.
Some common triggers for sibling jealousy include:
Changes in family dynamics (like the arrival of a new baby)
Perceived favouritism, even if unintentional
Developmental stages where children are more self-focused
Comparison traps, where children measure their worth against their siblings
The truth is, jealousy isn’t a sign that something is wrong—it’s just a signal that a child is feeling insecure or overlooked.
How to Prevent Sibling Jealousy
While you can’t eliminate sibling rivalry altogether (and that’s okay!), there are ways to reduce its intensity and frequency.
1. Celebrate Their Uniqueness
Make it clear to each child that they are valued for who they are, not in comparison to anyone else. Instead of saying, “You’re the smart one, and your sister is the athletic one,” try highlighting specific qualities: “I love how curious you are about how things work, and I love how kind your sister is to her friends.”
2. Carve Out One-on-One Time
Even small pockets of undivided attention (10-15 minutes a day) can help your child feel secure in your love. It doesn’t have to be elaborate; reading a book together, a quick game, or even a chat at bedtime can do wonders at filling their emotional cups.
3. Avoid Comparisons
It’s easy to fall into the habit of comparing siblings, especially when trying to encourage good behaviour. Instead of, “Look how nicely your brother is sitting,” reframe it to focus on the behaviour itself: “I really appreciate when you both sit quietly while I’m on the phone.”
4. Encourage Teamwork
Foster a family culture where siblings are partners, not competitors. When siblings work together toward a common goal, for example: building a fort, baking cookies, or even doing chores, they start to see each other as teammates rather than rivals. Praise their cooperation and kindness to reinforce the positive dynamic.
5. Be Fair
Each child has unique needs, and fairness isn’t always about giving the same thing to everyone.
Sometimes it’s about giving each what they need, when they need it. This will need to be explained to your children, for example: "Your sister needs new shoes today, and we'll buy you what you need when you need it."
6. Teach Emotional Expression
Help your children name and express their feelings in healthy ways, so they don’t resort to acting out.
What to Do When Jealousy Strikes
Despite your best efforts, jealousy will still show up from time to time.
Here’s how to handle it when it does:
1. Acknowledge Their Feelings
It’s tempting to brush off jealous feelings with, “Don’t be silly, you know I love you both the same!” But dismissing emotions can make your children feel unheard. Instead, validate their feelings, saying:
“It sounds like you’re feeling left out because I was playing with your sister. That must be hard.”
Sometimes, just feeling seen can diffuse a child’s frustration.
2. Teach Healthy Ways to Express Emotions
Help your child put their feelings into words:
“It’s okay to feel jealous. What can we do to help you feel better?”
You can model this too: “Sometimes I feel jealous when my friends go on vacations, and I’m stuck at work. Talking about it helps me.”
3. Foster Empathy
Encourage your child to consider their sibling’s feelings. This doesn’t mean forcing an apology, but gently guiding them to see another perspective:
“How do you think your brother felt when you grabbed his toy? What could we do differently next time?”
Role-playing can also be a fun, low-pressure way to build empathy skills.
4. Stay Neutral During Conflicts
When siblings fight, it’s tempting to jump in and play referee. But taking sides can fuel jealousy. Rather, encourage problem-solving. Help them work through conflicts by brainstorming solutions together:
“I see two children who are both feeling frustrated. Let’s figure out a solution together.”
5. Avoid Comparisons
Even well-meaning comparisons can fuel resentment. Instead of “Your brother eats all his veggies,” try “Let’s focus on your plate.”
The Silver Lining of Sibling Rivalry
Believe it or not, sibling rivalry isn’t all bad and it isn’t something to fear . It’s actually an opportunity for your children to learn critical life skills: conflict resolution, negotiation, empathy, communication, resilience, and emotional regulation. With your guidance, these everyday squabbles can help shape emotionally intelligent, resilient adults.
Sibling relationships can be one of the longest-lasting bonds in life, and with your help, they can learn to navigate these big emotions in ways that strengthen their sibling bond rather than weaken it. They can learn to support each other rather than compete.
So, the next time you hear, “That’s not fair!” take a deep breath. You’re not just managing sibling jealousy—you’re helping your children build the tools they’ll use for life.
You’re doing an amazing job helping them navigate these tricky emotions! But if you would like a little extra support dealing with sibling rivalry in your home, please book a free, no obligation, initial call and let’s have a chat.
Wishing you fewer “That’s not fair!” moments.
Warmly
Vi
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