Rewards - Good or Bad?

Are Rewards Hurtful or Helpful?

This is a hotly debated topic and everyone has an opinion. It is not my place to say what is right or wrong for you and your family. I am going to mention some interesting facts and let you make up your own minds.

Rewards are usually promised beforehand, earned by the child and given after the desired behaviour.

That sounds okay, doesn't it?

You are thanking the child for doing what you want, right? Or is it a bribe to get them to do what you want?

Are your children understanding the reasons behind why that behaviour is being rewarded? Or are you creating materialistic children who are only motivated by things?

Are you encouraging them to think about the consequences of their actions? Or are they just following orders?

Let's dive a bit deeper.

Extrinsic behaviour is when the child does something for the reward, eg tidies up their room. This is usually driven by an external source - parents/teachers/etc. They only do it once, to receive the reward and they will need the promise of another reward to do it again.

However, intrinsic behaviour is when they do something because it is worth doing and they enjoy it, eg pouring water from one container to another (worth = strengthening their hand-eye co-ordination and fine motor skills). They are being driven by their Inner Teacher and that is why they find it so enjoyable and worthwhile. They will also repeat these actions over and over until the skill is learned.

So there is a big difference between these behaviours and the driving force behind them.

Sometimes the reward is receiving praise rather than receiving an object. This can be powerful to a young child ... when used properly.

Always tell a child what they are being praised for so that they can learn what they did right or well. So, for example, say "I really liked the way you went and spoke to that little girl sitting all alone.I'm sure it made her feel happy to have a friend", rather than the generic "Well done". Your child can learn from the first statement but not from the second.

Also, be aware that there can be too much praise. When this happens, the children focus on the reward and stop learning. In addition, the praise becomes meaningless, ie just words that Mum/Dad say all the time.

Be mindful of Social Praise.

This is when you praise your child in front of everyone.

Adults often do this so that others can hear and know of their child's achievement, hoping to make their child feel special. This can have the opposite effect for two reasons. Firstly, you might embarrass your child, thereby undoing any good your praise was meant to foster. Secondly, when your child hasn't met the adult's standards, they don't get publicly praised like they are used to, resulting in them feeling shamed and judged. This can damage a child's self-esteem and result in them being afraid of the adult as they can perceive this withdrawal of praise as punishment.

It also makes other children feel inadequate.

Rather praise privately.

What about things like reward charts?

Do they work?

The answer to this is very dependent on the child and the way the chart is used.

If you explain to your child what you expect them to do to earn the stars and the reward at the end of a specified time period, if you are consistent, if the reward is something they really desire ( doesn't have to be a gift but one to one time with you at the park), and if the desired behaviour is achievable by them; then there is a very good chance that the reward chart will work.

Reward charts can be a good way to engrain a desired behaviour and make it a habit, eg brush your teeth before bed. Because your child will need to behave accordingly for a certain length of time, the behaviour has time to become a habit. Once the reward has been earned, the habit has formed and should continue.

If it does not, do another reward chart for a different gift for twice as long as the first chart. By the time that reward is earned, the behaviour should be well established.

Be careful not to keep doing reward charts forever as it can become very expensive and clearly does not work for your child. After the second or third time it is advisable to find a new method.

Please always remember that discipline means instruction and training not punishment. So when you are offering rewards for certain behaviour, it is to teach your child discipline and responsibility.

Of course there need to be consequences to bad behaviour but your child needs to know they are loved no matter what. When they have pushed all your buttons and you can feel you are about to explode, get someone else to look after them for a while and go for a walk around the block to cool off.

Trying to discipline when angry will result in punishment and not learning, which means the behaviour may happen again as you have not taught them the correct way to behave.

I know it can be extremely hard but it is important to remember.

So take time for yourself regularly so that you can be the best version of yourself for your children. It's okay to ask for help.

So what do you think?

Are rewards hurtful or helpful?

I would love to hear your thoughts and/or questions :)

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