Gentle Child Sleep Consultancy &
Early Years Family Life Coach
Demystifying Co-Regulation
Co-regulation: what is it?
Have you heard this term being used all over the place? Maybe you've heard it together with the latest buzzword - dysregulation. Are you 100% clear as to what they are referring to and what they mean? Well, let me demystify it all for you in this blog.
Let's start with dysregulation. It basically means when your child is off kilter. They could be really angry, sad, tired, hungry, fussy or in pain. Basically, not their normal happy selves. This happens to all of us from time to time. The problem is that when our children are dysregulated, they don't necessarily know why, can't express what they are feeling and don't know how to fix it. So they get grumpier and grumpier until eventually a full on meltdown happens.
This is where co-regulation steps in. We, the adults, usually know what is going on, know how to express it safely and know how to fix it. We need to remain calm, be empathetic and use our regulated state to co-regulate for our little ones. If we don't and we mirror their emotions, we escalate the situation instead of diffusing it and helping bring our children back to equilibrium. To co-regulate simply means helping our children learn to regulate themselves by using our calm regulated state until they've learnt to do it for themselves.
It is vital to understand that emotional dysregulation can happen at any age. It just manifests in different ways depending on the age of the child. In toddlers, we often see it as a temper tantrum. In school-aged children, we often see it as them becoming more argumentative. In teenagers we might see more defiant behaviour. We can co-regulate with our children, no matter their age, by simply adjusting our approach.
So, what are the most effective ways of co-regulating with our children?
1) Stay Calm: Try not to let the tears, fussing and tantrums get to you. Take a deep breath and watch your body language, tone and mindset. Your little ones need you to keep a level head now more than ever. They are not able to regain their calm. They need you to use your calm to help them feel safe and reassured. They co-regulate with you.
2) Show Empathy: By showing true empathy you are validating their feelings and letting them know there is nothing wrong with having those feelings. By remaining calm and being empathetic, you show them how to correctly handle those feelings. Again, this is co-regulation.
3) Label What They Are Feeling: Even with our really young ones, get into the habit of talking about their feelings. Simply say “Oh! You're crying and unhappy because you are uncomfortable. Should we change your nappy so that you feel nice and clean again? Come on, let's make you happy again.” The more they hear you label the emotions they are feeling the better equipped they are to correctly express what is troubling them, making it easier for us to understand and therefore help them.
4) Distract: Don't dwell on the upset. Use your co-regulation to move them on. After having done steps one to three above, it's time to start distracting. It is vital that you do the above steps first so that your little one does not feel dismissed. Once they know you've seen and heard them, let's help them forget. After a lovely cuddle, find a fun activity, read a story or go for a walk. This will help them regain their equilibrium quicker.
5) Teach: At a later stage, when your child is happy and regulated (even a day later for over three’s), you can have a little discussion around what happened, how they were feeling, why they were feeling like that and the best way to handle these feelings. You can read age appropriate books to do with feelings and emotions and talk about what the characters are experiencing. By helping your child understand their emotions you equip them with the ability to handle them in a healthy way, which leads to better mental health now and in the future.
Growing up is tricky business! Sometimes you just need someone by your side. Someone who sees and hears you. Someone who will help you handle trying situations. Someone who teaches you by role modelling the correct way forward. Someone who stays calm in the face of your emotional turmoil. Who better than your primary caregiver.
By following this advice, you can be everything your little one needs to navigate their dysregulated state. You can co-regulate and help maintain a healthy equilibrium together, until they learn to regain their equilibrium all on their own.
Best wishes
Vi
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